My Blessings

So I have been dealing with this weird case of what I thought was just vertigo for a week or so. Monday I ended up in the ER and got admitted and well we will just say it was a cluster fuck beyond explanation. But after checking myself out of the hospital because of said cluster fuck I went to see my family doctor and finally figured out what is going on. It’s not a huge deal but could be serious and it seems I have an infection that will take a while to get rid of and I’m sort of down for the count for a while. I majorly over did it yesterday mainly because I was feeling so bad and I was afraid I’d end up back in the hospital and needed to make sure things are in order. Today I was a slug and while I still am not feeling any better I at least feel better about the way things are here.

Now I titled this post my blessing because this little scare has made me realize how many I have. The hubs took the week off work and has done anything and everything I’ve needed including letting me do the things I probably shouldn’t have. That’s because out of anyone in this world he knows I deal with stress and fear by action. Riley had his 9th birthday this week and all he’s been worried about is me feeling bad and hasn’t said boo about having to put off his bday party with the family. Piper has snuggled with me watching movies and been my helper when I need to bend over. My sister took care of the kids and has been checking on me and will be taking me to doctor appointments this week. (They don’t want me driving while taking Valium for the vertigo.. go figure) My ex took off work while I was in the hospital and took care of the minions for us. I’ve had old friends texting and messaging me daily to yell at me to rest. Offers to bring us dinner from people I haven’t seen in 20 years. A whole slew of people wishing Riley a happy birthday to try to make his day more special. Heck, even the dogs have been my constant companions keeping an eye on me. I’m lucky, what we were afraid was something truly serious is so far more of just a weird thing. … I’m sorta known for getting weird medical things. Even my 12-year-old nephew made a comment about how I always have the weird medial stuff..lol

Sometimes you need to have your ass kicked a little bit to stop and recognize how blessed you are by the people in your life. Tonight even with  the spinning of the room I will count my blessing.

I’m Sorry For Judging You

I took the kids to Target today to spend their Christmas gift cards. Not a big deal for most people but not an easy time for a kid with Autism. Riley had his heart set on getting DVD’s and it took a good half hour to make his choices. But they were both happy and ready to get a Icee on the way out. Riley had been trying to talk to people through out the store and nobody would give him the time of day. It breaks my heart when that happens but I can’t make people be polite. Of course going to Target on a Saturday ended up meaning we had to wait in a really long line. I had to remind Riley to not get so close to the man in front of us and he came right back to our cart. He then started to meltdown because the line was taking so long. With just a little help from me he got himself under control and that’s when I noticed the man in front of us. He was probably in his mid fifties, very well dressed and giving my kid “the look”. You know the look if you have a kid with autism. The what the hell is wrong with your kid look. As I was getting ready to shoot him a look of my own Riley saw him and said hello. I’m ashamed to say I started looking for another line to get in because I just didn’t want to deal with this man. Then my sweet boy showed him one of his videos and this gentleman started a conversation with him about how cool his choices were. When he finished up with his order he told the kids to have fun and he hoped they had a good day with a smile.

And I was left there feeling like a jerk. I want people to not judge my kiddo for being different and yet here I was not only judging this man from one look he gave my kid, I was ready to fight the fight if need be. I can’t say if he was thinking that kid is a brat and then softened up when faced with a 8 year old who was excited about his DVD. Or if he just looked back at the kid who was starting to meltdown. It doesn’t matter. Because he didn’t make my kid give that sigh when he couldn’t even get a return hello. Because he took five minutes and indulged a kid who works so hard to just have people acknowledge him. So to that gentleman, I’m sorry I judged you from a look. Thank you for making my son smile.

Will I Ever Be Able To Relax Again?

I decided to take today and do a whole lot of nothing. It’s the first day back to school for the kids and I’m feeling like I’m getting sick again. So why not catch up on the DVR and make the dogs happy by sitting still for once? I’ve managed to get through two shows but I can’t really tell you what went on during either one. I’ve been sitting here with iPad in my lap, home and cell phones next to me so I wont miss a email or call from Riley’s school. Over the weekend he had multiple episodes that were different than what we have been seeing.

While I was typing the last sentence I got an email from his teacher that he had a episode that was unlike any we have seen but it’s passed so far. So I’ve pretty much answered my own question. Never. I’m never going to be able to relax again because every time I start to think things are ok for him something new comes up. So I just had yet another semi frantic call to the doctor who wants him taken to the ER if it happens again. And I sit here again trying to give my kid the most “normal” life I can by sending him to school but worrying at the same time having him away from me. I’m worried his anxiety is high because of today’s episodes and I’m not there to help. I’m in a no win situation and all I want is for someone to tell me what is going on with him. Why the hell can’t someone tell me what is going on with my baby?